Moments of Self-Connection
I was an odd kid in some ways, but for the most part I managed to fit in well enough that nobody would have noticed. At least, I don’t think they did. But it required a lot of self-abandonment. It wasn’t until much later in adulthood that I realized my differences were my strengths.
I knew I was different on some level, but it’s so clear now.
Fifth grade was a rough one when it came to bullying. I was new, having just moved to Virginia from Ohio, and it was an absolute culture shock for me at the time. My last two years of high school were hard as well. I was the new kid, yet again, and I just wanted to be like everyone else. I now understand that I was an undiagnosed autistic kid, raised in the military, doing their best to adapt to the ever-changing environments I was being raised in. Attending 9 schools from elementary to high school graduation, I was around all sorts of people, and in many ways I became an amalgamation of all of them.
Still, try as I might, I never quite felt like I fit. Certainly not for who I really was. But if I tried hard enough and masked effectively enough, I got by.
Times I Felt Most Self-Connected
This isn’t about being “not like other girls”, so don’t worry. Quite the opposite, actually. I was very much like all the other girls! I worked hard to make that true. But the best version of myself emerged in certain moments throughout my life, and they weren’t times where I was fitting in, seeking approval, or trying to make others happy. They’re when I leaned fully into an interest, gift, or feeling. It’s only with hindsight that I can see these moments for how special they were, and how they told me something about who I really am at the core.
The National Gallery of Art in Washington, D.C.
Hours in the Atrium (age 12)
I’m so grateful for the way my parents exposed me to so much of the history and culture found throughout the United States. While living in Virginia, we often visited the museums, galleries, and monuments in Washington, D.C., and one of my favorite places was the National Gallery of Art. Aside from writing and music, art was one of my primary outlets growing up. There were years I kept my sketchbook and pencils close at all times, and I distinctly remember taking them with me to one of our visits to the National Gallery. I did studies on pieces which stood out to me, sketching them in my book, trying to understand the work better.
Now, as an adult, I realize not many 12-year-olds would find this degree of intense joy in such an activity, but at the time it never occurred to me that people wouldn’t want to sit in an atrium like the one found at the National Gallery, drawing and watching people from a bench beside the fountain and plants. I spent hours there, just existing in the moment. I distinctly remember closing my eyes, listening to the shuffling of feet on the floor, the water trickling from the fountain back into the pool beneath, and the soft murmurs of gallery-goers. There was a feeling of peace within myself and connection to greater humanity I struggle to explain. I can only describe it as “feeling totally at home with myself and with my place in this world.” And for a kid who grew up in the military, with few lasting connections, this feeling was precious.
Performing in Choirs and Bands (ages 10-21)
While not necessarily one distinct moment, perhaps one of the things I miss most from my younger years is participation in various musical groups. Music has always been a primary source of comfort, entertainment, and expression for me. I was never confident enough to go out for solos, but I loved singing or playing an instrument as part of a group. When I was selected for all-state choir in 5th or 6th grade, it was incredible. I felt accomplished when I made the symphonic band as a sophomore flutist, a highly competitive band which typically only admitted upper classmen.
When I earned a perfect score at NYSSMA later that year, on a piece boasting the highest possible difficulty, I was ecstatic. I’m not sure I’d felt so proud of an achievement before, and that’s in part because I’d done so on my own (with the help of a wonderful private instructor) when I typically opted for fading into a crowd. When my private instructor encouraged me to go for it, I agreed try, and I’m so glad I did! While there’s nothing quite like performing with a full choir and orchestra and the overwhelming flood of adrenaline and emotion it provides, I’m still incredibly proud of that NYSSMA performance, nearly 25 years later. I went out, conquered a fear, and succeeded, without the protection of hiding within a group.
Near Death Experiences (ages 21 and 36)
While I had another very notable out of body experience when I was younger, these two take the cake. I know the topic of near death experiences ventures into the woo-woo, believe me, but I can’t deny what happened. I recall those events as though they’re happening in the present moment when I think of them, and the vivid nature of the memories only reinforces everything I believe about them. Both times, I thought whole-heartedly it was the end. And both times, I lived (obviously). I won’t go into detail here, because honestly I wouldn’t know how to distill those experiences down into a paragraph, but what I will say is this: I was outside of my body, outside of time. When I came back, I knew things I shouldn’t know because I saw and heard them while my body was incapacitated.
Aside from these moments, I’ve never experienced such complete and total connection, not only with myself, but with all that is. The one at age 36 rocked my entire understanding of life, God, and love in every possible way, and provided context for my earlier experience at age 21. I came back knowing exactly who I was and what I needed to do with my life. I’ve never felt so sure of anything, and I’ve followed that knowing ever since. I’ve remained connected in ways I can’t describe, and my body is finally somewhere I feel safe. This life is finally something which feels like mine.
One With Nature
Since we’ve already ventured fully into woo-woo territory, I’ll add that nature has always been a point of connection for me. Whether it was sitting around a campfire, watching meteor showers in our telescope, laying in the grass beneath a willow tree, or wading knee-deep into a creek, nature has a way of bringing me back to myself. Perhaps that’s why I’ve turned my bedroom into a bit of a jungle, with dozens of plants vining their way around the space. And perhaps it’s why you’ll still find me barefoot in the rain, arms outstretched, any chance I get. Everything else fades away, and I’m able to remember I’m more than word counts, text responses, doctors appointments, and cook to my three kids.
Creating Moments of Self-Connection
We can’t all have near death experiences, and maybe we can’t get back those moments throughout our life where we felt fully present in ourselves. But we can create new ones. And they can be just as profound and reconnecting as the ones which came before. I’ve gotten better at connecting with myself in recent years, after a lifetime of actively avoiding it at all costs. I lived in a near-constant state of dissociation for 30+ years, and it just didn’t work! I was fading away, literally dying as a result of my self-abandonment. So now, it’s a priority! There are infinite ways to do this, so I’m just going to share a few of the things I try to do to stay close to myself.
Breathing
This may seem silly or simple, but I promise, it’s amazing! There are lots of different specific breathing methods out there, but I’ve found that simply closing my eyes and focusing on observing my breath is often enough, and I don’t need to employ any specific method. However, if I’m feeling particularly anxious or overstimulated, box breathing has been extremely beneficial for me.
Journaling
I’m a writer, and always have been. Journaling has been one of my most faithful friends and I can’t recommend it enough. But if you’re not naturally a journaler, that’s fine too! Like breathing, there are lots of different journaling techniques, and there’s sure to be one out there that resonates with you. Journaling allows me to process emotions, reflect on my day, work through ideas, and simply record important or memorable events in my life. On days where I’m not sure where to start, or I don’t have a specific topic burning inside, writing prompts are helpful. What am I grateful for today? What am I feeling right now? What do I need to know about myself in this moment? Etc. In fact, guided journals can be a fantastic way to get into journaling if it’s not already a part of your self-connection practice.
Meditation
Again, this looks different for everyone. My daughter, for instance, prefers moving meditation time. So, she’s often dancing or walking when she’s taking time for herself. She puts on her noise cancelling headphones, turns on some music, and gets moving! I, on the other hand, prefer to lay down in a comfortable spot. Sometimes I listen to a guided meditation if there’s a specific experience I’m wanting, but often I just put on some instrumental or ambient music and close my eyes, simply observing my thoughts as they come and go. Sometimes I focus on my breath. Sometimes I repeat a mantra. But always, I’m loosening my connection with the busyness of life to reconnect with myself.
Nature
As I mentioned above, I love nature. Living in Arizona, I can’t go outside half the year, but I’ve gotten creative and found other ways to bring more of the natural world into my life. If I can’t walk amongst the trees or dip my feet into a creek, I can tend the plants in my room and sink my fingers into the soil. I can listen to birdsong or watch the stars once the blazing sun is done for the day. Whether walking through a park, camping in the woods, or sitting on my back patio, surrounding myself with the natural world is my most reliable form of self-connection.
Creative Expression
Aside from nature, a common thread above, when I was talking about moments of self-connection throughout my life, is creative expression. The National Gallery was a literal art gallery where I spent the day drawing and observing the world around me. Playing music and singing is another. Writing. Dancing. Crocheting. Sculpting. Painting. Find whatever works best for you, and allow yourself to fully express through that medium. I’m always pleasantly surprised by what comes out when I let go and dive headfirst into creativity. It’s where I feel most alive and most myself. Maybe it’ll be the same for you.
If you’re feeling up to it, consider exploring this some more. When are some times you’ve been the most self-connected? What were you doing? Where were you? How did it feel? And then, what can you do now, today, to spend some time with yourself?
I hope you’re able to take some time to spend with yourself after you read this. You deserve those moments, too.
