The Waiting Space

I may have a Taurus-heavy chart, but patience has never been one of my strongest personal qualities. Hard-working, persistent, reliable? Sure. But patient? Absolutely not.

My initial plan was to self-publish my books, so in many ways I hadn’t prepared myself for the long stretches of waiting that come with traditional publishing. That’s not to say I didn’t end up doing my research once I began to seriously consider this path, but I think it’s one thing to hear about it and another to experience it.

I have two manuscripts I’ve fully completed in the last year… I’m talking, drafted, edited, revised, edited and revised some more, done. These two projects are agent-ready, and if I’d stayed on the self-pub path I’d have published two books by now. I know that they’ll require more work once I’m signed with an agent to get submission-ready, but those wheels move slowly. It’s nothing like self-publishing where I could have posted these books to Amazon as soon as they were finished. Instead, I’m writing manuscript after manuscript, just waiting for an agent to love my writing and offer to represent me.

Even once I’ve signed with an agent, there will be months (or more) of revisions. Then months (or more) on submission. Then months (or more) before it’s actually published and hits store shelves. So theoretically, even if an agent called and offered tomorrow, we’re still looking at 1-3 years before anyone actually sees this project. And that’s assuming I get the book deal at all!

I see so many aspiring authors who think of getting the agent as the pinnacle of their writing career. And yes, it’s a major milestone for sure. We all know I’ll be throwing a fucking party when it happens for me! But it’s also only the beginning. Traditional publishing is an opportunity for one rejection after another, and the querying/agent offer part of it is just step one. Thinking on the reality of that can feel overwhelming, so I understand why so many of us don’t look much beyond that point.

I, however, am incapable of staying entirely in the present or thinking just one step ahead, without a fair amount of effort. My brain doesn’t work that way naturally, as much as I often wish it did. No, my mind prefers to play out every possible scenario, accounting for as many variables as possible, like that mental preparation might somehow make whatever the outcome—good, bad, or neutral—less overwhelming when it actually occurs. Perhaps it’s my own way of making the waiting space more bearable.

Whether it’s working or not, I can’t say. Maybe once I’ve got the benefit of hindsight I’ll be able to assess that. For now, I’m just in this waiting space.

I’ve been in waiting spaces throughout my life, so it isn’t anything new when I take the time to zoom out a little. In the final years of my marriage, when I knew it was over but didn’t have the means to leave yet, I felt a similar anticipation. Or during each of my pregnancies, when I was on bedrest or hospitalized for complications, I experienced it in much the same way. It’s not all that different from any of the other times I’ve known something was coming and had to sit in the waiting, and as uncomfortable as it can be while I’m in it, I’m able to look back on all the other waiting spaces and see that they were the final moments of a chapter in my life; where one scene is ending and the next is beginning. They were the tender quiet before new life bursts forth.

I’m trying to keep this perspective… to appreciate these moments before something big shifts. You’d think I’d be used to it, with as many lives as I’ve lived in these 39 (almost 40) years, but it would seem I’ve still got more to learn in this area. I’m doing my best to stay focused on my kids, on stuff around the house, on my other writing projects, and on staying connected with the community I’ve worked to build over the past few years. It’s enough that I’m not completely wrapped up in the waiting, but I’m open to suggestions and personal stories, so if you’ve got experience to share when it comes to the in-between stages of life, I’m all ears! Please send me a message if you’re feeling up to sharing that wisdom.

I hope to hear from some of you! Now, back to work I go. Have a great week!